Cracked Pots and Treasure Chests

Major changes in my life tend to come in groups. Graduate ICC, end serious relationship, quit job within a month. Leave church and staff position, which means moving and changing status at other job, and end destructive dating relationship within a few months. And now, most recently, move, finish Master’s degree, and start looking for different work…in the same week.

I have lived in eight homes in the last ten years. I’ve worked in seven different positions (though all with the same company). I’ve had two real relationship and a handful of  half-relationships. I’ve driven at least four cars. I’ve been in two college degree programs. I’ve been connected to four church families and several other faith communities. I’ve had three or four major dreams come true, and at least as many fall apart.

There was a time when I viewed my life through a lens of adventure. Relationships with people were exciting, because each human being was a treasure chest of new and unexplored jewels that reflected human nature and the unique imprint of God. Work was meant to make life possible; if I was really lucky I would enjoy the job, but the real point was experiencing the people and learning new things. Move to Colorado on six weeks’ notice? Okay. Camp at a festival of 20,000 people who are all strangers, or one that has a super-secret location in the middle of farmland, to talk about nonviolence, intentional neighboring, and composting? Alright. Become close with shady characters who are rich in life and interest and spirituality? A little confusing, but sure.

I saw my life as a good thing, with all the potential for impact, love, and significance in the world. That was ten years ago. When did change start making me afraid? When did anxiety become the reaction of the day? And when did people become strangers, enemies, or gods to me?

I used to believe that I was very much in the palm of the hand of my Creator. That His love and intention toward me were good, and would lead to exciting and meaningful things. That His gift to me was relationship, community, and a certain lack of self-consciousness. I used to trust Him.

Maybe the cistern of my heart is just a little too cracked after a few too many encounters with betrayal, disappointment, and loss. Maybe I am leaking away all that faith and the emptiness that’s left is charged with fear. I once was curious and friendly like a long-eared puppy; now I am more like the abused alley cat hiding under the couch, hissing and batting at anything that gets too close.

The truth is, this is an exciting time. I live in a beautiful space, with room for another person to share it with me. I have real housemates, neighbors with whom I might be able to develop real connection. I have options for work that have never been available to me before. I am serving in a church, for the first time by doing the things I am passionate about and good at rather than just what’s necessary. I have amazing people in my life, people who are just as full of undiscovered beauty as the people I met at One World when I was 22. I have the opportunity to experiment with hospitality, intimacy with God, and yoga. Now is a good time. My prayer, my hope, is that the goodness of God will coat my leaking places with faith enough to believe it.



  1. August 30, 2011 at 9:45 am

    New work opportunities? Neat!

    And, hey, now I know how to be praying for you.

  2. September 12, 2011 at 5:23 am

    I love that you are in this place – in every aspect. Wow – so much has happened in ten years – thanks for not giving up when it was hard – or beyond hard. Thank you for consistently being real and transparent to those around you – for sharing your journey. I’m excited for what’s ahead for you!!

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