Farewell, old friend

Two years ago I spent a weekend in a beautiful, inspiring part of the country. During my time there I immersed myself in the histories of thought and spirituality that I had, for the most part, believed were off-limits to me if I wanted to be a faithful Christian. I spent days in coffee shops, libraries, university grounds, museums, and my hotel room ruminating over my personal journey through Pentecostal/Baptist/ Assemblies of God spirituality, my decade through hippie music festivals, into denominationalism and progressive Christianity. I grieved years lost to voluntary lobotomization, erroneous moralism, tribalism, and self-loathing via the doctrine of total depravity.

I’ll be processing that journey in detail over the next months, but fast forward a few months from that shattering trip, and this year’s grief has centered on the death of god. More specifically, the death of the ideas and constructs I’ve built up to define god. Peter Rollins, Peter Enns, Richard Rohr, and a dozen or so of the best friends a girl could hope for have held my hand and walked alongside me as I’ve taken the first few steps out of god’s sepulcher and back onto the trail toward discovering truth and beauty and spirituality and god. I know I haven’t left GOD in that cold stone room saturated in the stench of death. He’s out here in the trees and coffee and color and faces of my world.

I heard this song the other day, and it seemed so utterly fitting, though. There’s a picture of god in my mind, the image of the deity I needed to believe in once upon a time. And that god saved me in myriad ways. But that god was also largely illusion. I finally think I’ve found the strength to move on from that god toward something more real, if ever more elusive. So here’s my ode to that god of my childhood, of my dual mind, the god who saved me in all his idolatrous power.



  1. Jo said,

    May 23, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    I love that you are blogging again, and I am excited to hear more of your story. 🙂

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